With Neighbors Like These Who Needs Enemies?

AM:  Rushing, rushing, rushing to get out of the house this morning for my typical weekend errands, I hear a knock at the door.  The dogs come skidding from halfway across the house.  Mac is all startled and cranked up.  I’m holding Satan’s Lap Hound by the collar and bracing him from escape with an already aching knee wedged in the door jamb.

I’m greeted by a dentally challenged man standing on the sidewalk.  He is very kind and he introduces himself.  He said that “Mr. Mike said that was your car.”  He gestures with an arching motion that could have made me the owner of a Jeep, Acura, Chevy, Honda, Volkswagen, or Infiniti. . .

“The black one?” I ask.

“Yeah.  Did you know your muffler is on the ground?  I saw it when I was parking my truck the other day.”

My muffler is a mess.  I’ve known it for months.  However, since I drive my car once a week, it hasn’t exactly been a priority.

“On the ground?!” I exclaim.  “I knew it was bad but not that bad.  Thank you.”

“You’re wel. . .” He says as I smile sweetly and slam the door in his and Tilghman’s faces.

I watch him turn the corner through the peephole and scurry to the car.  That muffler is in exactly the same fucking place it’s been for months. It’s not touching the ground.  And now I’m just annoyed at toothless guy’s kind gesture.

PM:  We are in a hurry to exit Mass.  Mac was starting to stir and we knew he was going to be hungry when he got awake.  We make a “clean” exit devoid of all fellowship.  We get out of the church and THAT’S when we happen upon some of our neighbors.

Mac is still in a place of uneasy sleep – which is where we would prefer he remain until we arrive home.

“Hello!” bellow the neighbors.

“Hi” we whisper back.

“How have you been?” Shouts the male.

We smile and nod.

“Look at this little butterball!” He bellows.

“Oh, is he still asleep?”  I quietly query.  Take a hint

“No.  He’s wide awake!” Exclaims the female as she pokes her finger in the baby carrier.  He can bite, I know he can.

Eff us.

Mac is definitely no longer asleep.  And if he’s smart, he’s probably figuring out how to run away from home. . .Far, far from the neighbors.

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2 thoughts on “With Neighbors Like These Who Needs Enemies?

  1. Hahahaha! This is great. Is it too much to ask that people not come up to talk to me? Apparently it is, and if you have a cute baby there is no hope. Everyone has to chime in. It gets very aggravating.

  2. Miq – thank you for the comments! And thanks especially for the cute baby comment! I feel like I need to market an iron transfer/sticker/sign that basically says, “This kid is finally expletive asleep. If you value the current arrangement of your facial features, you will not disturb him. Thank you.” It never ceases to amaze me when friends and complete strangers alike approach us and get all in our faces and start poking at the little guy. Are babies not entitled to a little personal space? All these big strange (and I mean often literally strange) people in your face – how pleasant can that be for a kid? BTW, you have a beautiful smile, no wonder you can relate to “aggravating” unsolicited “chiming in.” Ha!

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