Special Delivery

Usually our snail mail consists of bills, solicitous shit for a long dead fellow, and Land’s End catalogues.

Usually the minute Chris walks in the door all the pets go racing towards him and Mac starts screaming “GAH, Gah, Gah!!!”

Usually, Chris throws all the mail on the desk, acknowledges the cats and dogs and heads straight towards Mac.

Tonight, he noticeably paused while throwing the mail on the desk.

I watch from the kitchen as the chants for GAH! get louder.

Is it a Jury Summons?  Oh shit, a parking violation?  A note from the IRS?  What have I done now?!

What is causing that intent look on Chris’ face?

He goes running, he walks the dogs, we have dinner.

He hasn’t said boo about the mail.

I nearly forget about it.

Then I look at the mail.  Somehow the heaven’s delivered this to our door:

Of course, I mock him relentlessly.  “Didn’t we buy something at Fredrick’s once?” he asks in a kinda’ nonchalant tone.  “Nearly a decade ago,” I snort “This isn’t my catalogue.” (It belongs to someone the next block over according to the address).

He looks disappointed.

“But if there was this sort of stuff in the house we could be like one of those Cialis commercials” he insists.

He doesn’t have erectile dysfunction, what he means is if I had the time or energy or a fantastic ass to parade around all day long in this kinda’ stuff, there might be spontaneous sex happening.  A. Lot.  

Right. . .time, energy and fantastic ass aside, there’s still a kid in the house.  And after you get past that cock block, you likely have a dog panting in your face or a cat walking on your head.

If you are getting lucky in this joint, it’s hardly similar to an idyllic erectile dysfunction commercial – lingerie requires money and implies a delicious lingering – neither of which we will have again until we are likely too old to enjoy either. 

No wonder my poor Husband offered to personally deliver the miss-directed mail.

Frankly, as I sit here still wearing my maternity foundation garments, I can’t blame him.

Easily My Most Evil Genius Idea To Date!

A well timed cookie keeps kid quiet while I'm trying to identify a non-descript birdThe other day I wanted a cookie.  Ok. I wanted 5 cookies but let’s keep that between us.

I stopped purchasing cookies at the store quite some time ago.  My husband claimed I was trying to kill him because he frequently lacks the self-control to eat an appropriate serving size.  In the alternative, he claimed I was causing marital discord since his lack of self-control often resulted in my angrily looking for cookies he had already devoured.  Plus, commercial cookies really can’t compare to home-made, fresh from the oven still warm cookies.

I had the ingredients for some chocolate chip cookies.  But an entire batch seemed like way too many cookies with swim suit season looming.  I can’t hide this summer.  Mac deserves swim time.

What to do, self?  What to do?  

This sounds nuts, but I decided the best thing to do was not only make one batch of chocolate cookies but two!  Before you snort coffee all over the computer at my fat stupid ass, here’s my rationale:

First, I love, love, love my KitchenAid stand mixer but it’s kinda’ a pain in the ass.  I keep it in an upper cabinet and it’s tricky to get it in and out.  It needs careful cleaning and hand-washing of parts.  Also, I seem to lack the requisite amount of finesse when operating the thing, leading to large dust clouds of dry ingredients wafting all over the kitchen.

It’s well established that I’m rather lazy and lacking in patience so the mere thought of waiting for 2 pounds of butter to soften, makes me all twitchy and anxious.

And then there’s that whole portion control issue we seem to have in these parts.

Sooooooo. . .if I made a double batch of cookies, I could bake just a few immediately and scoop out portions of the remaining dough and freeze it!  This way, I would have cookies always waiting to be freshly baked!!!!

I’m sure every awesome Mom out there already does this but I’m currently feeling like a damned evil genius so please indulge me!

I prepared a double batch of dough in accordance with the recipe on the back of the Nestle’s Toll House Chocolate Chips bag.  I know.  I know.  You aren’t to double baking recipes.  Some garbage about altering the delicate chemical process baking requires but trust me, it’s fine in this case.  

Then, while I had delusions of being the best Mom on the block always offering up freshly baked cookies to Mac and all his friends after school, I used an ice cream scoop to heap up uniformly sized balls of dough on a large sheet pan.  I put the sheet pan in the freezer.  Once the dough was frozen, I placed them in a Ziploc freezer bag and placed them back in the freezer.

Now anytime we feel like a warm cookie, I can just pop a few of the prepared dough balls in the oven.  You can bake them without thawing if you just keep an eye on the baking time.  Typically, they need to bake a minute or two longer than the suggested time in the recipe.

Evil Swim Suit Ruining Genius.  

You Can Accomplish This Before Your Effing Head Explodes: 45 Minute Sock Bunnies

I can’t take credit for this fast and adorable Easter craft.  That creative genius Ashley over at Lil Blue Boo offered up this goodie a few weeks back.  Since she mentioned the socks cost $2.50 a pair at Target, I couldn’t resist.

I’m a sucker for anything made out of a sock!

Her tutorial is flawless and super-easy to follow.  You really only need to make a few simple cuts.  These aren’t large, so they would be easy to sew even without a machine.  You only need a pair of knee socks, thread, needle, and some embroidery floss.  Maybe some buttons if you would rather have button eyes.  I sewed the eyes with embroidery floss since Mac is still so little.

The entire project might take an hour to complete.  The little arms and legs are kinda’ thin, so the stuffing was a little tedious but a chopstick, knitting needle, or long-handled paintbrush can remedy that pretty easily.

Don’t you want to make a squishy little bunny or two!?

And while you’re at it, Chez Beeper Bebe has darling original Easter crafts too! Some of which are available for purchase in her Etsy shop for those of you less crafty (cashmere sweater bunnies anyone?  I die!)  She also provides her clear, and easy to follow mooshy belly bunny tutorial which are crafted out of old t-shirts.  How correct will your little one be with a basket full of up-cycled plush bunnies?