Special Delivery

Usually our snail mail consists of bills, solicitous shit for a long dead fellow, and Land’s End catalogues.

Usually the minute Chris walks in the door all the pets go racing towards him and Mac starts screaming “GAH, Gah, Gah!!!”

Usually, Chris throws all the mail on the desk, acknowledges the cats and dogs and heads straight towards Mac.

Tonight, he noticeably paused while throwing the mail on the desk.

I watch from the kitchen as the chants for GAH! get louder.

Is it a Jury Summons?  Oh shit, a parking violation?  A note from the IRS?  What have I done now?!

What is causing that intent look on Chris’ face?

He goes running, he walks the dogs, we have dinner.

He hasn’t said boo about the mail.

I nearly forget about it.

Then I look at the mail.  Somehow the heaven’s delivered this to our door:

Of course, I mock him relentlessly.  “Didn’t we buy something at Fredrick’s once?” he asks in a kinda’ nonchalant tone.  “Nearly a decade ago,” I snort “This isn’t my catalogue.” (It belongs to someone the next block over according to the address).

He looks disappointed.

“But if there was this sort of stuff in the house we could be like one of those Cialis commercials” he insists.

He doesn’t have erectile dysfunction, what he means is if I had the time or energy or a fantastic ass to parade around all day long in this kinda’ stuff, there might be spontaneous sex happening.  A. Lot.  

Right. . .time, energy and fantastic ass aside, there’s still a kid in the house.  And after you get past that cock block, you likely have a dog panting in your face or a cat walking on your head.

If you are getting lucky in this joint, it’s hardly similar to an idyllic erectile dysfunction commercial – lingerie requires money and implies a delicious lingering – neither of which we will have again until we are likely too old to enjoy either. 

No wonder my poor Husband offered to personally deliver the miss-directed mail.

Frankly, as I sit here still wearing my maternity foundation garments, I can’t blame him.

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10 thoughts on “Special Delivery

  1. I say go for it! Buy something from the catalog! It’s really one of those things where once you just get over the hump of doing it..you’ll be wondering why you hadn’t before!! Seriously. Me? Three kids. A baby. A preschooler. And a tween. And spontaneous is definitely always an option. Remember you are more than just a mom….and that does a world of good for not just you, but your kids as well…because you feel lighter and happier when you are doing things for yourself as well 🙂

    • Listen, superwoman locololo, thanks to you I’ve already purchased a shit ton of coconut oil and now you’re pushing girly knickers?! It’s like you say: “This is the most awesome jacked up idea I’ve ever had!” to which I reply, “I’ll be there in 5 minutes!!!” Bah-hahahaha.

      I do honestly appreciate your sincere comments.

      Cheers to coco-nutty happy husbands, kids, and perhaps most importantly selves! I can’t wait to read more of your blog!

      • Oh thank you! I’ve only done three posts ever so far so that’s really awesome to hear 🙂 The coconut oil IS awesome. I’m still in awe over watching this eczema disappear on the boy,

      • Our little guy has very sensitive skin – not quite as bad as your son by the sounds of things – but I’m hoping the coconut oil will work for our son too so he doesn’t have to keep using a prescription remedy when he has flare.

  2. Was checking out the goods while brushing my teeth. You have definitely inspired me to go for it! (Plus their sizing looks very friendly. LOL). Maybe I’ll even post a pic of my purchases?! Average mom models super foundation garments. . .

    • I would have never guessed that list I found so hilarious would create such a stir! Maybe you need to create another list? There’s no doubt you could come up with 10 more snarky husband “faults.” My personal favorite is “I’ll take the dirty dish to the sink, however, I will under no circumstances, open the dishwasher adjacent to the sink and place it in there. Although, I try not to complain since the poor fellow does unload the dishwasher for me A LOT!

  3. Pingback: This -n- That | The Diary of a Reluctant Mother

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