When Religion Comes Calling. . .

Let me just preface this by saying, I have no problem with any organized religion or other various spiritual beliefs and practices.  We are free in this country to practice any religion we so choose and I fully appreciate that freedom.

What I don’t appreciate is folks knocking on my door to share their beliefs with me.

Oh, I don’t exactly mind being interrupted from eating cookies, pinning useless shit and watching NCIS to answer the door.

And it does only take a few moments for me to explain I already practice one religion that has been confusing the hell out of me since sixth grade and really with the way my son has been acting in church of late, really, I’m not looking for yet another nave to sheepishly cower in while wrangling a screaming ten-month old.

I don’t even mind recycling the literature you insist I take.  It certainly doesn’t bother me that come Thursday morning our alley is going to be littered with all the glossy little pamphlets you offered up to every damned house on the block.

You know what I do mind?  I mind when you get the kid awake!

Look, I know your religion likely doesn’t give you the super-powers necessary to know that I have two asshole dogs and a napping ten-month old.  However, when my Pinterest time is cut short by your disturbance, it makes me feel very unchristainlike.

Let’s save ourselves some trouble.  Send me an email.  You will save yourself time and effort by ceasing to wander around the neighborhood riling all the dogs up in the middle of the day.  I’ll save myself some stress-related cardiovascular disease.

In the alternative, if emailing the good word seems contrary to your ministering beliefs, just leave the literature in my mailbox.

I recycle devoutly.


14 thoughts on “When Religion Comes Calling. . .

  1. I was once awakened in the wee hours of the morning by a woman who pulled into my driveway, and beat on my door, assuming the dogs running around in the road in front of my house were my dogs. I went to the door and politely let her know they were not my dogs. Then she decided she knew whose dogs they were and demanded that I put them in my car and take them to their owners. I told her to put them in her own car and deliver them if she was so worried about it. She jumped up and down (I’m not joking) stomped her feet and screamed ‘Come ON!!! Be A CHRISTIAN!!!!!” And I replied, “YOU be a fking Christian” and I slammed the door in her face. If that’s how Christians act, I’ll stay home from church, thanks.

  2. I’m near tears. “YOU be an effing Christian” LOVE IT! I feel like you need to put that on a T-shirt. I just had a few moments to peek at your blog but I’m definitely returning as soon as I can today. Your snark and sarcasm is glorious!

  3. Pingback: ‘Christians’ and dogs « alittletoohonest

  4. Idk. I’ve always enjoyed the interruption…sleeping baby or not. Maybe it’s because I’m home with kids all day and am DYING for any kind of adult conversation…be it normal conversation or having fun with a couple of Mormons in ties while I refute every claim that comes out of their mouths with pure logic, reason, historical facts and science. I’ve been an atheist for most of my adult life. I was raised catholic and attended every other type of religious or spiritual service there is and read every religious scripture in existence…I have a fascination with it like a little kid reading pure fairy tales. I seem to know more about the various scriptures of the various religions than the people coming to my door. They usually walk away regretting pushing that little doorbell button. But every once in a while…someone comes a knocking that actually manages to give me some hope for a humanity; an old man knocked on my door last week in a black suit and tie and introduced himself as reverend brown. He was polite and apologized for waking the baby. I explained that while appreciate his effort, I am an atheist and not exactly interested. He responded with courtesy and explained he respected anyone that holds firm in their beliefs and wished me a wonderful afternoon. No pamphlet pushing from him. No trying to convert me. No arguments. It was rather nice for a change. I shook his hand and thanked him for actually acting in accordance with the beliefs he holds because that is a rare thing. I do live in a city that once held the record for the most churches per citizen in united states. Atheists are not exactly welcomed here with open arms by the general population. Wow. Sorry I just wrote a lot. Lol

  5. I’m still confused by organized religion. However, I think the background and knowledge of the scriptures is useful. There are a lot of Biblical references in literature and so forth. So we’re going to make poor Mac be involved with church and hope he learns some scripture himself, until he is old enough to decide for how he would like to define his spirituality, etc. Meanwhile, speaking of your interest in various religions/scripture. . .When I was in 12th grade, my youngest sister was in 7th. One day we were watching TV and an ad aired offering a free Book of Mormon if you called a toll free number. I mentioned that it might be interesting to read since I knew nothing much about Mormons. She thought that was hilarious. And then Christmas came. And guess what I got? Free Book of Mormon. Guess what she got? Weekly phone calls for the next 6 months. She was in SEVENTH GRADE!! She finally told the callers she was taking an extended trip to Florida. And that WORKED?! I’m still cracking up thinking about it. And of course, I went off to college and forgot all about the book.

    • I don’t take my kids to church. Or any other religious thing. I don’t want them to learn any scripture until they are at an age to make rational logical conclusions for themselves about it. My 11 yr old is at the age where she has started to read some. She finds it incredulous. (she also has the iq of a 18 year old at last testing)…she makes rather sound arguments about discrepancies she finds. And well, I also know better than to take my 5yr old daughter with high functioning autism to any kind of service….she’d argue to the death about it. (cage fight on the pulpit anyone?) She’s just too literal. People that live for 900 years? “no. People do not do that..” snakes that talk? “snakes hiss. Not talk.” walking on some water? “that guy would drown.” LOL

      • I can’t even begin to think about how we are going to answer questions. It is incredulous! Maybe I’ll just give one of those annoying mom-kinda’ answers like “I guess that’s why they call it faith.” Or we could get Father Dennis on speed dial.

  6. I am really not a fan of religion solicitors. I got in invited to Jesus’s birthday party one year by some door knockers. I almost asked if he would be there. Do they really think that people are going to listen and say- you are so right, thank you! I have now found Jesus and all is right with the world!

    • A Birthday party for Jesus. Isn’t that technically Christmas? Hahaha!!! I’ll tell you, I would have been sooooo tempted just to see what went on at such an event. I look forward to reading your blog later today.

  7. Had just put Mac down for a nap this morning. I was in the basement ironing when I heard the dog go flying through the house barking, barking, barking. I tip-toed to the front door hoping it was the UPS Guy delivering some crap I ordered from Amazon. But I wasn’t going to get fooled again. So I used the peep-hole first this time. More JESUS PEOPLE!!!! I. Am. Not. Joking. Do you think it’s wrong for me to make a sign for the door that says “We’re Catholic. Leave us the Hell Alone”?!

    • I’m certain a sign that says “Wanted: good Christian missionaries for fire retardant reliability testing. Apply within” would work. 😉

    • …or! Tell them you are certain you could find this Jesus they speak of if only you had ample time…and free babysitting services *hint hint wink wink*…to contemplate the concept while getting a mani/pedi!

  8. Pingback: Confession | The Diary of a Reluctant Mother

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