Friday Funny – Going “Postal”

I used to love snail mail.

It’s becoming the bane of my existence.

Most of it is quite literally garbage.

Yes.  I’ve opted out.  I’ve signed up for online bill pay and paperless statements.

I’ve discontinued many catalogue subscriptions and even some magazines.

But I’m still getting mountains of unwanted shit routinely. Our shredder works overtime.  And trust me, it’s kinda’ a pain to empty.

You know what makes me most furious?  Charitable solicitations. Because I am apparently just that bitter and rotten.

I don’t want your stupid return address labels or those little notepads that contain three pieces of paper!  DO YOU HEAR ME?!  If I feel compelled to make a donation (and we certainly do make charitable donations), it’s not because you sent me 800 address labels that I’ll NEVER USE!!!!

And the cherry on top of this shit sundae?  For the past 8 months or so we’ve been getting charitable solicitations for the very long dead guy that used to own this house.  Yes, somehow poor Sam, who’s been dead at least 12 years, and likely more than 20, has now found himself on the direct mail list of seemingly every obscure 501(c) out there.

I’ll bet we get at least one envelope a day addressed to old Sammy boy.  Diligently I write in large red sharpie “DECEASED, Please Return to Sender” and return them to the mailbox.  You know what happens to 25% of those envelopes?  They come back the next day!  At which point, I take them back to the mailbox.  And probably 10% of those return a third time.  At which point I write in even bigger red letters “THIS MAN IS DEAD!!!  RETURN!!!!!”

Subtlety is not my strong suit.

Normally, I would just continue to bitch about this situation until we move or I myself die and stick the next poor sucker who buys this property with Sam’s mail plus mine.  However, since I’m supposed to be setting some kind of example for my kid, I decided to see what I could do to get Sammy’s mail to rest in peace.

I went to USPS.gov.  In a matter of seconds I found a link to opt out of mail for dead people.

Of course there’s an online form to fill out.  I did the best I could but I had to make an um educated guess about when he died and how old he was.  Why the hell a direct marketer would need this info is beyond me.  Probably to send out more direct mail (coffins, insurance settlements, urns, hell taxidermy services, who knows?!) to the next of kin.

The website indicates “you should see a decrease in mail received within three months.”

We’ll see if this can keep me from going postal.

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3 thoughts on “Friday Funny – Going “Postal”

  1. Wow! LOL! You’d really hate my house. The people who used to live here keep getting shit that they know they can’t pay for and using our address! They even have their jury duty summons, court appearance notices (I have no idea what these people are into), and other random stuff sent HERE. It’s been eight years, and like you, it’s really starting to piss me off.

    • Ha! Oh my goodness! What do you do with the mail? Just write “Return” on it? They sound kinda’ irresponsible to still have all that stuff going to an old address.

      We got messages on our answering machine for nearly 14 years – ever since I got the number – for a poor fellow named Roosevelt Tucker. I don’t know who Roosevelt Tucker is/was/could be but he sure as heck wasn’t returning phone calls. A few times I tried calling back to tell these poor folks I had no idea who/where he was but the calls never stopped. And they weren’t collections agencies. I have no idea what it was for. . .

      Roosevelt Tucker will remain a mystery. But I lived so long with the messages, I feel like I should have named a cat or kid after him! LOL

  2. Pingback: This -n- That | The Diary of a Reluctant Mother

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