Is It Possible to Baby-Proof My Judgment?

I think we all know by now, my parenting expertise has been gleaned from Dr. Sears, keeping a few domesticated animals alive, and perhaps occasionally The Deadliest Catch.

The first 6, 8, 10 months with the kid haven’t been too taxing despite my cluelessness.  Mac has a generally pleasant demeanor and I’ve been able to essentially indulge his every need and desire because they were predictable. . .and because I could control or at least influence what some of those needs and desires were.

As he approaches his first birthday, he’s starting to switch up his game.  Saturday, he pulled himself to a standing position.  He’s also starting to wheel himself around on a little ride along toy his Great Grandma got him for Christmas.  He watches.  Watches.  Watches.  I can practically see the connections being made in his head.  I feel the electricity of his synapses firing.

I feel mine moving sluggishly.

The kid is doing it better, faster, and longer.

My mind and body are struggling to keep up.

This morning I was puttering around the kitchen.  Mac was crawling around “helping” me.  I think we all know his agenda wasn’t to actually help.  He was on a reconnaissance mission.  He was collecting valuable information about how to thwart an under-the sink baby-proof latch, open a container of dog kibble, figure out the dishwasher, and coffee maker.  Real Baby McGuyver Shit.

When I reached into a lower cabinet to get some coffee, he immediately wedged himself in the cabinet.  He was holding the door open with one arm to make sure I didn’t pull a sneaky slam shut manuever.  (While sweetly cooing, “Please help Mom, close the cabinet door now).

This particular cabinet has pull out drawers, which seemed to please him greatly.  The only thing on the bottom drawer was a basket full of K-Cups.  I use regular coffee grounds in a special basket for my daily coffee (better for the environment and the wallet) but I keep some hot chocolate and different flavored K-Cups in the basket for special stuff.  By special stuff, I mean the once a year holiday trip to 34th Street, Sundays + Bailey’s, and the one off-iced coffee.

While I unloaded the dishwasher, I watched him ever-so-adorably (gag) move the K-Cups in and out of the basket.  He pulled the drawer open and closed.  He picked up individual K-Cups and shook them near his ear.  He smiled.  I smiled.  We squealed in delight.

All that coffee caught up with me.  So I snuck to the loo very quickly.

When I returned, I noticed something brownish-red on his ankle and lower leg.  My heart jumped into my throat.   How could I have been so stupid?  The ceramic commuter mugs were on the upper pull-out shelf.  What if he reached one, broke it and cut himself?!  Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Then he turned towards me.  He had the same colored line above his lip.  And he was grinning from ear to ear.  He looked like a little baby John Waters.  (ok, maybe a little more like Hitler – the line was a kinda’ thick!)

 I started laughing my ample ass off in relief.

He chomped into the foil of one of the hot chocolate K-Cups and had some of the powder on his lip and leg.

Whoosh, I felt all the air go out of my lungs in a relieved gasp.  Thank goodness he wasn’t bleeding!

Clearly my judgment needs baby-proofing.  I know the results could be much more disastrous next time. . .How do you baby proof a perpetually clueless mother?

17 thoughts on “Is It Possible to Baby-Proof My Judgment?

    • Thank you! I have to laugh. . .just when I think I have everything secured and safe, he’s outsmarted me! I can’t even imagine 13 or 15! If I recall one of your previous posts, you decided to have children at a younger age than many of your peers. Somedays I wish I had too. I certainly had more energy when I was 26! Ha.

  1. Enjoy your posts immensely! I have a 2.8 year old son. I wish he was Mac’s age again. I remember finding him with ketchup on his mouth (he was beginning to walk- did it properly at 15 months and has been flying ever since) and had a heart attack. How on earth can a person who has played Halloween pranks confuse ketchup with blood?! But it happens.

    Happy parenting, am sure your baby will grow up to be a funky guy because of you!

  2. Oy, I had a few of those moments lately. They can be crazy scary. We’ve baby-proofed the hell out of our place. But guess what, she still finds things she isn’t supposed to, and so we are constantly re-proofing. On top of that, she is turning into a little dare devil. I am so not looking forward to the climbing phase.

    • I think Mac is getting a helmet for his first birthday. Have you read in Sears how some children are more cautious and develop a fear of falling, etc? Not our kid, he pitches things off the bed and crawls break-neck to the edge after them. He has absolutely no fear of any of our pets, even when the cats protest menacingly. I’m budgeting for bandaids and dental work already!

      • Yeah, Livi does the same thing on our bed. Now that she is walking, she almost runs to the edge after the stuff. So scary! Right now we are trying to teach her that there is no walking on the bed. A helmet might actually be a good idea.

      • I’m so conflicted! I’m so happy Mac (and Livi) are developing right on track but I’m ssoooooooooo not ready!! Do you tell Livi “No”? Or do you use another word/noise to catch her attention? I had been avoiding “no” because I didn’t want the kid to keep telling us “No” over and over an over when he didn’t feel like doing something. However, we visited some friends and they told him “no” a couple of times and now I swear he mumbles baby-talk “no” at me! It probably doesn’t matter. He’s going to learn that word anyway, right?

      • Livi had picked up “No” long before we ever had to say it to her (she was late with crawling and not the first with walking). She loves to say it, too. Oh well.
        Nonetheless, I try to avoid using “No” and usually explain what I am trying to tell her. However, when she is running toward the edge of the bed or doing something equally dangerous, I will not think twice to use it.
        Yes, he’ll learn the word sooner or later. I still think its great that you’re trying to avoid saying it as much as possible.

  3. What a great post. And of course a wonderful title. It’s the eternal question, how to babyproof your judgement. And it sounds like the jury is in: Sorry, Mama: You’re SOL. You will always be left wondering why you did that. You will always be left thinking that you made the wrong decision. Sometimes every path leads to a tantrum. At least that’s what I’ve learned, with a 2 and a 3 year-old. The unimaginable things that happen when you leave your bot in a safe place for thirty seconds or less: it could fill volumes. Nothing I have done in my life has made me feel more like an idiot than motherhood. But then, I’ve never tried karaoke.

  4. Pingback: Attack of the No-Stain Bubbles, Part 2: Escape From the Bathroom | Superhero Underpants

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s