Mother’s Day Guidance For My Husband

Dear Husband,

Can you believe it’s been almost a year since Mac was born?!  This is my first official Mother’s Day.  I know, I know, I said I didn’t want any gifts, or special fuss since it’s basically an annoying Hallmark Holiday.

However, we all know you are a very sweet and caring man, and I’m sure you won’t let the day pass without some acknowledgement.  Since this is our first official Mother’s Day and we’re new at this, I’d like you to take note of the following:

1.  Dinner and some form of entertainment afterwards is great.  Dinner with an exclusive one-time showing of your special take on “The Puppetry of the Penis” is not acceptable.

2.  Getting the kid out of the house so I have a quiet moment to shower is very thoughtful.  Offering to shower with me isn’t nearly as considerate.

3.  A 30 minute massage at a local day-spa? Fabulous!  You offering to personally give me a 30-minute massage where 27 of those minutes involves my thwarting your attempts to rub non-back parts?  Not so fabulous.

4.  A walk in the park followed by Gelato?  So sweet.  Accompanied by your salacious comments regarding the consumption of said gelato?  Nauseating.

5.  Cooking me breakfast and serving it in bed?  You know I’m a complete sucker for breakfast in bed!  However, I do not appreciate a side of leg humping with my eggs.

6.  Material Items inappropriate for gifting includes but is not limited to:  mops, vacuums, scrub buckets, lingerie, Zumba Fitness DVD’s, Spanx, callous removers, car-wash gift certificates, or anything related to unwanted hair removal.

7.  It is also suggested you do not contact your perpetually single co-worker or own mother for guidance regarding how to handle this holiday.

Thanks for your prompt attention to this matter!  Much Love, Deni

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22 thoughts on “Mother’s Day Guidance For My Husband

    • I’m glad you liked it. Perhaps you should stick it on the fridge. . .and write a blog update about what happens. I once left a picture of a purse on the “beer fridge” in our basement for about 3 years. I did FINALLY get the purse. Ha!

    • Thanks for the mention on Pinterest too! I’ve been avoiding it lately. I get waaaaay too inspired and before you know it, I’ve downed nearly a bottle of wine, the dog is covered in glitter, and all I have to show for it is something that resembles a glitter covered modge podge cat turd. Of course, I’m sure there’s a market for such an item based on some of the items I’ve seen on Regretsy. If you don’t know about that website, check it out. I suspect you will find it extremely amusing.

      • Well, I hope it up your traffic! I know when my friend pinned a pic/link from one of my posts…I had over 500 hits in one day. My most to date, since starting the blog 🙂
        And no, I haven’t heard about Regretsy. Will check it our for sure. Probably tonight, while I am at the gym, supposedly watching my 3 daughters train for the Olympics in gymnastics…lol. It’s usually when I get most of my blogging/pinning/Facebooking done!!

      • I could only dare dream of 500 hits. I feel good when I get 85. Thank you! And you’ve encouraged me to update my blog roll as well as start a new folder on Pinterest. I def want to help out other bloggers I adore – including you! Do your daughters also dance like you? How in the bleep do you keep everyone’s schedule straight? I dread that part of Mac getting older. I swear my Mother spent about 12 consecutive years in her winter coat hunched over the stove slopping dinner at us between shuttling us to lessons and practices!

      • Aww, thanks! Up until my friend ‘pinned’ me, my best day was at the end of March after I posted the essay about my childhood. So far, my most viewed post is ‘You Got 10 Minutes?’ and it’s sitting at about 600 views since I threw it up there. Overall the blog has had 5200 hits since January. A small amount (I think) in the blogosphere….but I’m still elated! And I am happy to help other blogger with PR 🙂

        My daughters don’t dance, at all. At least not in classes and such. Sadly, neither do I. I would love to get back in class, but it’s just not feasible at the moment. All 3 of my girls are competitive gymnasts, training at the same gym on the same days…right now. Fortunately, that makes juggling schedules somewhat bearable 🙂

      • The essay about your childhood was raw and beautifully written and deserves 1 million hits. I’m checking out “you got 10 minutes?” as soon as I finish typing this.

        I’m glad for your sake, the girls at least are all in the same spot at once for a few hours. . .Facebook away!

        I still don’t know how you do it! And all that love you sent to Alabama last year? I was nearly welling up over that too. Dear Barbara! I don’t know if I need the tissues for laughing or crying when I read your stuff. . .

        It’s that good.

  1. Pingback: This -n- That | The Diary of a Reluctant Mother

    • Expect, Accept, and Encourage gifts!? Ha! I’m totally on board. . .if those gifts are FOR ME (and not him)!! 🙂
      It feels really good to know despite all the things that make us unique individuals, there are commonalities that make us nearly the same. . .Even better to know we can laugh about them!

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