Can you believe it’s been almost a year since Mac was born?! This is my first official Mother’s Day. I know, I know, I said I didn’t want any gifts, or special fuss since it’s basically an annoying Hallmark Holiday.
However, we all know you are a very sweet and caring man, and I’m sure you won’t let the day pass without some acknowledgement. Since this is our first official Mother’s Day and we’re new at this, I’d like you to take note of the following:
1. Dinner and some form of entertainment afterwards is great. Dinner with an exclusive one-time showing of your special take on “The Puppetry of the Penis” is not acceptable.
2. Getting the kid out of the house so I have a quiet moment to shower is very thoughtful. Offering to shower with me isn’t nearly as considerate.
3. A 30 minute massage at a local day-spa? Fabulous! You offering to personally give me a 30-minute massage where 27 of those minutes involves my thwarting your attempts to rub non-back parts? Not so fabulous.
4. A walk in the park followed by Gelato? So sweet. Accompanied by your salacious comments regarding the consumption of said gelato? Nauseating.
5. Cooking me breakfast and serving it in bed? You know I’m a complete sucker for breakfast in bed! However, I do not appreciate a side of leg humping with my eggs.
6. Material Items inappropriate for gifting includes but is not limited to: mops, vacuums, scrub buckets, lingerie, Zumba Fitness DVD’s, Spanx, callous removers, car-wash gift certificates, or anything related to unwanted hair removal.
7. It is also suggested you do not contact your perpetually single co-worker or own mother for guidance regarding how to handle this holiday.
Thanks for your prompt attention to this matter! Much Love, Deni