A Steaming Pile of Shut It

This morning I escaped from the napping tyrant-in-training to retrieve our trash cans from the alley.

Ahhhh trash day.  The exciting sights and smells. . .The rats skulking about on clandestine missions for the best scraps. . .

Our alley is exactly like every other alley in Southeast Baltimore:  narrow, in need of repair, over-grown with weeds, full of scummy stagnant water, littered with trash and trash cans.

I’m not complaining about the state of our alley.  It’s been this way for years.  And it’s just an alley.  We only have to set foot in the alley to put out our trash cans and recycle bins.  It’s entirely avoidable otherwise.

We do try to be very careful about our own trash and picking up after our dogs to make sure we aren’t attracting unwanted visitors (HUGE HONKING RATS) into our yard but otherwise, I don’t think much about the alley.

And as bad as the alley appears, some of the little walled concrete rectangles that pass for yards in these parts, are actually worse.  In fact, on our block, there isn’t one yard that doesn’t boast some kind of trailer-trashish item.  That’s just the way it is.  The houses are small, the yards are smaller and, well, things get crapped up fast.

The yards of homes with dogs?  Well, they literally get crapped up FASTER.

Now here’s the thing about all those steaming surprises in the yard, sometimes it’s just not convenient to pick them up immediately.  My Husband always picks them up immediately.  However, when I was working and let the dogs out in the morning, I NEVER picked them up.  I was lucky to get myself to work on time 50% of the time so I certainly wasn’t going to pause and pick up dog turds in my 4 inch Burberry heels and Tahari suit.  The doody stayed in the yard for 6 or 8 hours until after work when it was more convenient to deal with it.

Christmas Tree Guy seems to be even more lassiez faire with his poop patrol.   Sometimes maybe 2 or 3 days will go by before it’s addressed.  This doesn’t really concern me.  I know they are young and busy.  They are really great neighbors.  What’s a few turds in the yard for a few days?

Well. . .This morning I got to hear about how bothersome it apparently is. . .

As I mentioned several boring paragraphs ago, I was fetching the trash cans.  When I opened the gate I hear a woman in very close proximity to my left saying “Ewwwww, that’s so gross.  Come here.  Come here.  That’s disgusting.”

I knew immediately who it was.

I don’t know her name but I knew.

It was Turd Face with Wild Toddler!

I’ve been watching this woman for months.  She and her little boy walk through the alley every morning sometime around 10:30.  In fact, they don’t just walk through the alley once, they do it multiple times.

She’s allowing her kid to play in the disgusting alley.  It’s been going on for months.  And every day, she pauses in front of Christmas Tree Guy’s gate and makes contorted faces in disgust at his piles of dog shit – which is why I refer to her as Turd Face.

Do you understand how ridiculous this is?   A woman who lets her kid run through our wretched alley on a daily basis thinks a few dog turds are offensive.  

And this morning I found myself in her crazy cross-hairs.

“Hi” I mutter and snatch the trash can as rapidly as possible.  I fumble slightly with the lid which gives her the split second she needs. . .

“Do you know your neighbors?”

Of course I know my neighbors. I answer affirmatively.

“Well, don’t you think their yard is gross?”

On a scale of one to ten – ten being the entire alley itself, which your toddler* is currently running through in his sandaled feet?

I smile sheepishly.

“Well why doesn’t he pick up that dog poop?” she demands.

I asked him not to just so I can watch the crazy faces you make every damned day.

“Oh,” I answer, “I think they are really busy.  He does pick up pretty regularly.”

You are insane, Turd Face.  Look at what you are allowing your kid to play in.  Dog poop should be the least of your concerns.  I hope that kid had a tetanus shot.

And then I decided to take a page from Crazy Neighbor’s book:  She was going on about “How if they had a yard in the country it might be one thing. . .” and mid-sentence, I snatched up the trash can.  Shut the gate and walked away.

How’s that for a steaming pile of shut it!

They just walked through the alley again.

And she’s the nanny isn’t she?

How else could you explain her behavior?

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16 thoughts on “A Steaming Pile of Shut It

  1. hahahah wow! I agree, why are you letting your kid run through an ALLEY! Even if it was a “clean” alley, that is just strange. AND its not like your kid stepped in the poop, he isnt chucking it into the alley. lol

    • I know! We have one of the nicest, biggest parks in the City two blocks away – there’s a lake with ducks to feed and a huge, nearly new playground. Why wouldn’t you just take the little guy there? And perhaps while you are walking there, use a STREET like the rest of us and say out of the alley! Ha.

  2. Wow, what a character. I would go out of my way to avoid the alley. I bet she goes there so often so she can keep an eye on the poop situation.

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