What an Asshole. . .

LOVES HIS DADDY!

I started writing a post for today about what I’m making Mac for his first birthday.  Instead, I’m just going to unload a bunch of guilt.

BAM!

I never really cared whether I had kids.

I suppose in some imaginary “perfect world/life” there were cute little Baby Gap sporting children who slept in nurseries outfitted by Serena & Lily and Johathan Adler. . .oh yeah, I also had a conservatory and a baby grand Baldwin piano. . .

AND

I still went to a job I adored.

AND

We had “help” – nannies, housekeepers, drycleaners, dog walkers, personal shoppers, grocery delivery, tailors, window washers, landscapers.

Turns out, that theory was flawed.

I woke up on the morning of my 30th birthday – a Saturday – and had a wretched panic attack in the middle of the afternoon while I was vacuuming the house so my Mother in Law could come visit with a cake.  (Yes, I was vacuuming my own home on my birthday but there’s a more important point here. . .)

I came to very slowly realize over the course of the next 4 years, I positively hated the job I worked so diligently to earn.  I saw no opportunity for advancement.  I saw my future as a big black hole riddled with heart disease, heartburn, and disappointment.

My Mom Battled Cancer.  My Dad died.

And I knew.  I knew.

The clock of life is wound but once. . .and no man has the power. . .to know just when the hands will stop at late or early hour.

After having Mac, I knew I couldn’t return to that sort of a professional environment.

Career driven Deni was lost before.  And is currently out to lunch.

I never wanted “this.”  This crazy weird world where I play pretend games half the day with my kid.  Where I narrate everything I’m doing.  Where I say “cracker” 25 times just so I can hear him try to repeat it.

I never dreamed “this” would work for me.

And tonight while my Husband was packing for a business trip and could hear me and Mac playing downstairs, nearly shrieking with laughter, I felt like such an asshole.

He wanted children.  Not me.  I wanted a career.  Not him.

But somehow things got flipped around and I unintentionally (ultimately selfishly) birthed my  way out of a horrible career path. . .And stuck him with a tremendous burden.

“It was so nice to hear you and Mac playing down here,” he said later.  “You have a lot of fun all day long don’t you?”

My stomach turned.

We do.

It should be you.

I’m sorry.  A million times over I’m sorry.

It should be you. 

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8 thoughts on “What an Asshole. . .

  1. My husband & I both work, but he is the definite bread winner. He’d be a GREAT stay-at-home Dad where I make a perfectly terrible parent to anything larger than a 1 year old. Point being, we’ve all got our parts to play and we do our best.

  2. Wow, this sounds very familiar. We both wanted children, but my husband wanted to be a stay-at-home-dad and I definitely wanted a career but also wanted to take care of the kids (not sure how I imagined this).
    Now though, while he still would like to be a stay-at-home-dad, he admits that he is glad he gets a break when he goes back to work on Monday after a long weekend.
    I guess what I’m trying to say is, being at home with a kid is not as easy as it might look, even if there is a lot of laughter.

  3. Funny – I envisioned things much differently as well. I was a total career woman. At one point, I used to travel to South East Asia a few times a year for work, and I looooooved it. I was all about climbing the corporate ladder. But then I got pregnant and I became this totally crazed woman who can’t stand the idea of anyone else taking care of my child. 😉

    My hubs never wanted to stay at home with our kids, but parenthood has definitely changed him too. He often knocked off work early, so I assumed all of that would continue once our daughter was born. But having a kid lit some sort of intense fire under his ass, and he’s constantly talking about things like her university education…because, you know, we only have 18 years to plan for that shit.

    I feel a lot of guilt about how much he has on his shoulders, too. And I hate myself every time I imply he’s never home. But, do me a favor, and don’t flaunt it when you pack your damn runners before a business trip…!

    • I know it’s not easy for Mom or Dad. We both try to be empathetic towards one another most of the time. And I think most of the time we do a really respectable job. But really? The running shoes? I agree completely! ARGH!!!

  4. Hey! You are both adults, you both make choices every day, short-term long-term. Even though I’ve seen the sequel to this post (very LOL). I can tell you the grass IS greener in New Zealand. Not sure why, if it’s a trick of the light or different species of grass 🙂

    • Ha! We do make choices. And overall, I think they’ve been pretty good choices especially for the kid. And I don’t really think we are a-holes but I thought it was more amusing that way. I’ll bet the grass is greener in New Zealand. Maybe if I keep sending my husband on out of town trips we can afford a visit. 🙂 Have a great day!

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