Now I’m just some pathetic slacker that stalks people on the Internet, birds in the park, and finds Cheerios stuck in her bra on a daily basis.
What the hell happened? It’s like I ate stupid for breakfast. . .
Or had a baby.
Either way, I’m screwed. Seriously, I cannot get my shit together to save my life. Here’s the most recent example of my stupidity and carelessness for your entertainment.
This year marks the 200th anniversary of the War of 1812. Baltimore played a prominent part in this War and is planning a ton of commemorative events. We kick it off this week with the Star Spangled Sailabration which includes a week’s worth of the kind of stuff that gets me all hot and bothered: living history displays, Blue Angels Fly Overs, all kinds of patriotic pomp and circumstance, including a parade of tall ships and naval vessels from all over the world!
About a week ago, I reviewed the calendar of events and noted that there was going to be some kind of Naval Parachuting display and a living history walk in Patterson Park. I was jazzed. We could walk to the park. No parking troubles. I was so excited I asked Chris to leave work early so we wouldn’t miss a minute of the fun.
This morning, Mac and I had to go to the wretched Safeway to pick up a prescription for the dog. (Yes, the dog takes meds designed for people but that’s another post). While we were there, waiting for the incompetent pharmacy to refill the prescription we called in nearly 24 hours prior, I decided to pick up just a few items for a picnic in the Park since the events started at 5.
I don’t know what it is about that stupid store that makes me get completely delusional but Mac and I once again wandered the aisles while I had all sorts of grand visions of this glorious picnic I’d prepare for our special outing. I ogled the radishes while thinking about what I’d wear, how I’d dress Mac because there would definitely be photos. It would look just like those Ralph Lauren magazine adds. . .if they were more white trash. . .Should I get wine?
Unfortunately, all of my Ralph Lauren Picnic fantasies were dashed when Mac and I exited the store. It was pouring rain. It wasn’t just drizzling. It was raining hard. Sideways.
“It’s just an isolated shower,” I quipped cheerily to Mac, turning my head to the side to avoid getting pummeled directly by the angry rain.
Mommy’s hair is going to look like ass in our All American picnic photos but whatever, it’s all about the kid anyway. . .Maybe I can wear a cute scarf on my head. . .Or better yet, one of my huge-brimmed straw hats. What matches those hats? My caftan? But we have to walk. Sneakers don’t look good with caftans and wide-brimmed beach hats. . .
Yeah. It went on like this for the entire 6 blocks home. . .
After we got home, dried off, Mac went to sleep, and I started preparing picnic foods, I realized it was STILL raining. This was no longer an isolated shower.
That’s ok, I reassure myself, there are pavilions at the park.
But what if everything is cancelled due to the weather? Perhaps I had better check the schedule of events.
And that is exactly how I came to learn the stuff in the Park is TOMORROW night.
Yep. Read the schedule wrong. . .or more likely, I don’t know what fucking day it is most of the time.
But the picnic food is prepared. So we’re having an indoor picnic for dinner tonight. Going to a muddy park tomorrow. . .likely hungry. . .
Screw you Ralph Lauren. And Safeway. And rain. And stupid PDF schedules that are hard to read on a smart phone. And especially screw you, my rapidly rotting brain.