Muthaeffing Fingerprint: A Story About A Not So Brilliant Finish

Every time I turn around, I find cruddy little fingerprints and smudges on every surface.  EVERY SURFACE!!!!!

At first they were so teensy and cute, I’d sigh wistfully at the nearly perfect little specimens on the front of the dishwasher and think, “Self, it’s nearly a shame to wipe these away, someday you’ll barely remember how darling Mac’s little hands were.”

Fast forward 8 months. . .The smudges are getting bigger and stickier and they are much much more pervasive.  I find them on our cabinets, doors, appliances, wood furniture and upholstery.

Nearly every surface is slightly tacky.  Unless of course, you have the benefit of touching a “fresh” one, in which case it’s rather wet and slimy.

For the better part of our days, I’m able to turn a blind eye and remind myself that sticky comes with the territory of having a toddler.  Other days, I become supremely discouraged at the recurring mess.  I no sooner wipe up a smear, until it’s back just a few moments later.

As I was wiping everything down in the kitchen once again this morning, I began to wonder if perhaps I should have more carefully considered the materials for our kitchen cabinets and appliances.

Perhaps white and stainless were not the most appropriate options for such a highly trafficked kitchen?  

Spray, spray, wipe.

But then again, black would also be difficult to maintain for various reasons. . .

Mindlessly scrape congealed sticky something with fingernail.

What there needs to be is an attractive material that hides all this goop.

Why hasn’t someone come up with such a miracle material?  I’ll bet it would fly off the shelves.  

Is that grape guts or snot?

It could be some sort of very attractive veneer you could use to cover appliances and cabinet fronts, and well, anything you are too lazy to keep cleaning every 20 minutes.

I should Google this. . .Maybe I should invent it?

Drop to hands and knees, rear end in the air, violently polishing the broiler drawer on the oven. . .

Too bad about Billy Mays, he could have so pitched my product on TV.  

I wonder if I could work on product development in my basement or would that be too chemically meth-lab-ish?

What would I call this miracle material?

Hmmmmm. . .Goo-gone is already on the market and this wouldn’t be a cleaner, it would be a material. . .Something original and catchy. . .

Enter Mac, whizzing by leaving a streak of half eaten banana smeared across the spotless freezer drawer.

Great more mother-effing fingerprints.

Ah Ha!

Now for some market research:

Would you purchase a building material, crafted by a crazy lady in her basement called “NoMoreMuthaFuckin’Fingerprints”?  

Right. . .

Maybe my idea for a perpetually brilliant, shiny finish building material needs some more ahem polishing?

He tries. . .


7 thoughts on “Muthaeffing Fingerprint: A Story About A Not So Brilliant Finish

  1. Oh I sooo had to giggle out loud on this one. Glad I’m not alone. I have SERIOUSLY been considering temporarily adopting a dog just so my kitchen floors have a chance at looking clean again. But then, I’d have to clean dog #1 and #2 out of the carpet and I’m just NOT going there.

    • We have two big dogs. I understand your “logical” thinking. . .DON’T DO IT SISTER!!! LOL! Our pets make even MORE mess than our toddler – easily more mess – So. Much. More. . .

      Oh. . .wait. Do you want a lab mix? I know two wonderful dogs who will EAT anything, they specialize in kitchen floors. . .Ha!

      I’m glad you laughed. Sometimes I’m not sure if what I”m writing is funny or offensive or less than inspired. This was one of those posts.

      Thanks for letting me know you laughed! 🙂

  2. Two quick things: First, paint as many rooms as possible the color of dirt. Don’t laugh. My boys’ bedroom was the color of dirt from about the time the oldest turned five and learned to spell his name. How did I know he’d learned ? Because he wrote it all over the walls. Dirt. That’s the answer. And second, black socks. Did you learn that song as a child? “Black socks, they never get dirty, the longer you wear them the blacker they get. Sometimes, I think I should wash them but something inside me keeps saying, “not yet, not yet”.

    That’s it. Dirt colored walls and black socks. He’ll be in college eventually and you can paint again then.

    Thanks for the laugh.

  3. Pingback: What I get up to… | Gee, Scott & the T-Rex

  4. You speak my language. BTW, I’ve wondered if I could patent a “crushed cheerios” floor option in minivans as a kind of camoflage floor. We got a dog recently, and I was hoping it would help keep the area under the kitchen table clean. It does, but unfortunately it recycles what it eats and leaves it on the kitchen floor. So, no real improvement…

    Imperfect Mommy

    • Crushed Cheerio flooring option? That’s GENIUS!! I’ll bet there’s a way to make some sort of carpet in a similar size, shape and texture. Plus, I’ll bet if it was some kind of firm rubber, it would give you an awesome foot massage when you walked on it barefoot. Plus, the color is a wonderful warm neutral! You’re on to something!

      I feel your pain with the dog. Ha!

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