But then I go a little um unsolicited prompting and I felt like the issue was ripe for a post.
It all started about two months ago, when my Sister’s daughter lost her first tooth. Of course the fun news was shared with family far and wide via texts and photos.
Yeah! Kid lost a tooth!
Thank goodness Grandma got that tooth fairy pillow sewed STAT.
My excitement soon turned to dismay. This tooth fairy shit is serious business.
Initially, I thought my most pressing problem was the actual “gift” left by the tooth fairy. I distinctly remember my first gift from the tooth fairy. It was a little pewter necklace with a turtle charm on it. I still have it.
What? It was a big deal.
I also remember receiving quarters, dollars, crayons, coloring books, and other assorted items from the tooth fairy.
I have to admit, I never noticed any discernible pattern in the little prizes left under my pillow. (i.e., molars were worth more than a smaller tooth, etc.). And I didn’t much give a damn so long as there was some swag under my pillow come dawn.
Of course, nothing is as easy as it appears.
For one thing, I have no idea what the going rate for a tooth is these days. Is it a 5 spot? A fucking iPad? I don’t have a clue. And I want to make sure my Sisters and I are on the same page because I don’t want Mac comparing notes with his cousins and learning the tooth fairy brings him a bottle of bubbles and 2 bucks when his cuz is getting video games and $20s.
What is the going rate for a tooth?
Don’t dare give me some economics-based argument. . .that adjusted for inflation the going rate for a tooth is $100. That’s crap. I won’t be bullied by inflation. Losing a tooth doesn’t take that much effort – despite all the drama and the prolonged wiggling and complaining and tooth-brushing theatrics – the tooth falls out, usually painlessly. . .well, unless it’s prematurely extracted say by a circa 1984 Dr. Scholl’s sandal hitting you smack in the face, but that’s a whole ‘nother story.
Financial matters aside, I have other pressing concerns:
How and When Do You Stick That Crap Under the Pillow?
I’ve been thinking about this one (mostly while I’m drinking in the shower). And I thought perhaps the best plan would be to stuff the goodies under the pillow just before you get the kid awake in the morning. But what if your kid is a sneaky little shit and he gets up early, realizes the tooth fairy hasn’t made her rounds yet, and then lies in wait? Well? How do you explain that? Here comes Mommy, teeth unbrushed, half hung over, unceremoniously wielding a couple bucks and a small Lego set. Talk about traumatic.
The Whole Transfer Seems Fraught With Pitfalls.
So many things could go wrong. What if you forget to grab the tooth? What if the tooth has slipped from under the pillow and is wedged between the headboard and the wall? What if you botch the transfer and you get the kid awake? What if you drink too much damned wine and forget about it entirely? It makes my stomach churn just thinking about it.
Assuming You Complete the Transfer, Now What?
Seriously, what are you going to do with a fucking tooth? A. TOOTH. One tooth is kinda’ gross. An entire SET of baby teeth is downright revolting. And what if you have more than one kid?! I’m going to hurl.
I mean, technically, isn’t that tooth some kinda’ biomedical waste that should be discarded accordingly? Do you give them to the Dentist? The Pediatrician? WHAT?!!
I picture myself carrying around 15 teeth in my purse intending to give them to the Dentist to dispose of but always forgetting until one day some TSA Security Agent finds them at the BWI Security check and I’m forever placed on a no-fly list for freaky damned shit in a carry-on.
Should you flush them? Can you use them for mini-Jack-O-Lanterns? I’m in completely unchartered water here.
I’m considering just telling the kid the tooth fairy leaves one lump sum after all the baby teeth are lost: It’s called Orthodontics. And she is a vengeful little fairy and if you don’t wear your retainer, very bad – unspeakable – things will happen.