I’m seeing a LOT of activity in my Twitter feed in the past few days about Elf on the Shelf.
For those of you smart enough not to have given birth to hell spawn, here’s the deal:
The Elf on the Shelf is this creepy little, old school-looking stuffed Elf character that retails for about $30.00.
My understanding is, after you bring home your very own Elf, you introduce it to your children, who will undoubtedly be scarred for life after seeing its creepy little face.
Then you logically explain to your children that this creepy little critter lurks around the house watching their every move for the month leading up to Christmas. The Elf reports to Santa every night to tell him whether the child has been naughty or nice that day.
AND once the Elf returns from his exhausting nightly trip to the North Pole, he’s lurking in a different damned spot in the morning.
Yes. You pay $30 for a creepy plush toy that YOU have to REMEMBER to move EVERY NIGHT for almost a month.
I call BULLSHIT.
And I’m not the only one. I think the volume of parental complaints regarding this stupid Elf has more potential to crash Twitter than Pippa Middleton’s sublime ass.
The Internets are echoing with the likes of “This Elf is an Asshole.” “I forgot to move the elf – again.” “I can’t even find the Stupid Elf on the Shelf.”
I’m sure you non-believers are skeptical of my dour attitude towards the Elf.
“But how will we blackmail err control our children for the month leading up to Christmas?” you might be asking.
Let me tell you a little story about “back in the day.”
Back in the day, when I was a small child committing a host of offenses on a daily basis, we also had an Elf.
You just couldn’t see him.
That made it even creepier.
Plus, because you couldn’t see him, he was effing free.
How did our elf work?
If during the month of December, you were EXCEPTIONALLY well-behaved on a certain day, the Elf would leave you a very small gift while you slept.
If you were a wretched little monster (highly likely), the Elf didn’t leave you jack. . .and he made sure Santa heard about your behavior. . .but because he was INVISIBLE, it didn’t matter where he was when I got up the next morning. He was there. We all knew it.
You know you hate Elf on the Shelf. Do yourself a favor, buy the kid 5-10 bucks worth of crap to give him on a couple of mornings during the month. Blackmail him for weeks with an invisible elf. Pocket the remainder. Your holiday cookie and egg nog budget just got a little fatter. PLUS, you don’t have to remember to move the stupid thing every night during the most hectic, stressful, over-scheduled month of the year.
I should mention “our elf” was not my Mother’s doing. She would probably have been perfectly happy threatening us exclusively with Santa. We had family friends who had the “Elf” visit sometimes. Ahhh. . .peer pressure.