I’m truly blessed. In fact, I can’t think of one single thing you could bring me this year. I have the best husband, a happy, healthy little boy, a nice house, food to eat, and more clothes and material stuff than one person could need. . .
So I’m hoping you’ll honor my requests for a few OTHERS this holiday season.
1. For the UPS guy – A New Truck. He needs one of those Mercedes Vans like the FedEx lady has. His truck is a noisy nuisance and every day he rumbles up our street, causing every dog on the block to bark threatening to cut nap time short. The FedEx Lady in the shiny new van? She doesn’t bother Satan’s Lap Hound or Mac’s nap ever.
2. For my Husband – The Ability to Read My Mind – but only when I deem it appropriate. Santa, being a married man yourself, I’m sure you can see the benefits of being able to read the little lady’s mind. I mean, she probably expects you to do so anyway. Imagine how much marital strife my poor beleaguered husband could avoid if he ACTUALLY knew what I was thinking and needed. Of course, I certainly don’t want him reading my mind while I’m silently cursing at him for being a ding-dong so if you could provide some sort of a filter, that would be fabulous.
3. For our Cat Edison – Some Damned Self Control. He’s making me freaking bonkers. I’m certain thanks to his antics our Christmas tree isn’t going to survive until your auspicious arrival. He’s laying waste to it every time I turn my back. I’ll bet he’s decimated at least 10 ornaments and knocked off no fewer than 25. Please Santa, he would be so much happier if I wasn’t always having to yell at him for being an asshole.
4. For our Cat Allister – Some furball meds and a weight loss program. I think the photo speaks for itself. His gacked-up furballs are the size of the squirrels in the park. I’m certain he would appreciate the benefits of a healthier and more active lifestyle. Surely he gets depressed just sleeping on the bed all day?
5. For Crazy Neighbor Guy – Please help Christmas Tree guy get the packaging for this year’s tree stand disposed of properly before NEXT Christmas. It’s presence on the sidewalk by his front door for the past 10 days has to be making Crazy Neighbor Guy Feel a little like The Grinch. . .or a homicidal maniac.
6. For My Mother – Perhaps you could bring our family the ability to get through one family meal without discussing farts, poop, diarrhea or other bodily functions. Our holiday dinners have been marred with talk of skid marks and ill-timed gas for at least 27 years. Perhaps this year, you could help her out? I mean she’s been praying for this for years, and clearly God doesn’t even have the power to make it happen so I’m hoping you can come through for her.
Thanks for reading, Santa. I really appreciate your time. I’m know you are probably thinking what a good girl I am, unselfishly thinking up all these great gifts for others. I have to say, it does feel pretty good. 😉
XOXO Reluctant Mother