So we have this tween (rapidly becoming teen) nephew who likes all kinds of “gaming” stuff. I know absolutely nothing about this. In fact, I know even less about D&D, WoW, YMIAT (Yo’ Mamma Is a Troll. . .just joking. I made that one up.), than I do about effective parenting.
So anytime there’s a holiday or special occasion that requires a gift for this young man, I make my husband do the shopping.
Fortunately for Husband, there’s a shop not too far from our house that sells all sorts of gaming stuff and comics and items of a similar ilk. Everyone there is very nice and the store is clean and well-organized but I still feel “weird” there. It’s just not my jam. I’m a fat middle-aged woman. I do not play with swords, or small metal figurines, or wear my hair in huge coils on either side of my head. . .Nor would you want me to. Trust me on this one.
Anyway, the last time the Husband made a trek there to get something for the nephew, the merchandise was bagged up in this little gem:
In case you can’t make out all the print, under “Claim Your Free Loot!” is the following:
“LIVE AND LET LOOSE WITH YOUR OWN EXOTIC PLEASURE COMPANION, SPECIAL EXPERIENCE RING AND RARE MOUNT LIMITED TIME SPECIAL – ENTER ONLINE. . .”
When I hear exotic pleasure, I think pina colada. Yet, I don’t normally “slay for free” while enjoying a boat drink. . .Nor do I expose half of my buttocks while enjoying such exotic pleasures. . .well, at least not until after the third drink. . .
And I have to confess, I sometimes enjoy drinking alone. So the idea of an “exotic pleasure companion” seems foreign to me. Hello? I’m trying to focus on my frozen boat drink. . .don’t mar the experience with your half-clothed, freaky headband wearing presence! Your time would be better spent getting a manicure – those nails look wretched!
And what is this talk of a “special experience ring”? Is it similar to the Orphan Annie secret decoder ring in a Christmas Story. Is it a sentimental “promise ring” for “exotic pleasure companions”? Or is it like um you know. . .a sex toy? WHAT?!
Slurps pina colada and stares at the bag.
So much I don’t understand.
Why is this crazy slaying, weird head band, special experience cock ring wearing, cross-eyed Conan guy stealing part of a Righteous Brothers song? And how the hell did he get his own game?
I want to Google “rare mount” but I’m scared I’ll end up on the government no-fly list.
And seriously, why is this shit on a plastic shopping bag?
If Chris had just used one of our re-usable shopping bags, it probably would have saved me at least 2 days worth of angst and confusion. . .
Seriously though, what’s a “rare mount”?!
Is it a stamp collecting term?
It’s horse porn isn’t it?!