From Invincible to Invisible

Before I had Mac, I felt pretty much bullet proof.

I had a great Husband.  A nice house in the right location full of nice things.  A respectable social calendar.    A few cats and dogs to lavish praise and love upon.  I had my education.  I had my designer handbags. . .and shoes.  . .and I had a career.

It was all I ever wanted.

I was living the dream.

Then I decided to get knocked up.

And suddenly, nothing mattered but the adorable little parasite.

So I gave up the disposable income, a 401k, the shoes and purses, the “career.”

I didn’t miss any of it.  Still don’t.

As the adorable parasite got a little bigger, I realized he was exacting a toll on all the nice things in our home.   So I started hiding them, or giving them away, or slipcovering them.

Adorable parasite was also taking away time for things like nail painting or even teeth flossing.

But I didn’t care.

I shouldn’t be keeping all that acetone nail polish remover in the house anyway.  What if he  ingested it somehow?

I get awake every morning and put on nearly the same outfit.  I drag around backpacks instead of high-end purses.  I cleaned out my closets.  I sent mountains of clothes to Goodwill. . .really, really good clothes.

None of it matters.  I have what I need.

I scrub floors.  I paint furniture.  I sing silly songs.  Dance silly dances.  Help assemble huge block towers.  Fold mountains of laundry.  Agonize over every meal and grocery list.

Then one evening, while I was on hands and knees on the kitchen floor, wiping up all the food Mac had rejected, while he and his Father sat in their seats above me laughing together, I realized with great sadness:  I had become invisible.

Somehow, I had become this unshowered, poorly groomed, horribly dressed troll who serves scant little purpose but to clean up discarded food, and excrement, to pack lunches and make beds, to vacuum and mop. . .

Is it possible that it took only 21 months for me to go from invincible to invisible?

Yes. . .That fast.

It’s true I cringe at the idea of putting on pants that have a proper waistband.  Mascara?  Flat iron? Tinted moisturizer?  GAH!!!!

I haven’t had a pair of heels or a dress on since my sister’s baby shower. . .in November.  I haven’t used any sort of purse/clutch, designer or otherwise for at least a year.

I’ve been wearing the same bra for at least 58 days straight.

My lingerie selection consists of Spanx, maternity bikini briefs, one chemise, and 3 pair of NIck and Nora flannel PJs.

I wear ball caps, and bandanas, and flip flops.  I tell myself I could put on better clothes.  I stare at my closet full of “better” clothes. . .

And I dream. . .

Of my toddler, rubbing his toothpaste covered mouth all over my fucking cashmere sweater and camel hair blazer.

Yet, In the wee hours of the morning when I’m either going to bed or getting awake, donning a ratty old T shirt and yoga pants, laughing and crying at my wholly amazing life, I am so very, very thankful.

I am after all, in that moment, still invincible. . .

And sometimes, if the light is right, I am invisible. . .

Which makes me nothing less than a Super-hero!

Who will also clean up your dinner. . .

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “From Invincible to Invisible

  1. OMG. It’s like you described me. I look in the mirror these days and think, “when did you let yourself go?” But then I have a week like last week and I’m so relieved I didn’t go back to work. Just being able to BE THERE is pretty amazing.

    I really miss the clothes though.

    But when did they get so freaking uncomfortable?!

    • The clothes are SO uncomfortable! How did I never notice this before? Last night, we went “shopping” to kill a little time before bedtime. I must have tried on 4 pair of shoes seeking a comfortable pair of little ballet flats or modest wedges for spring. I rejected every pair because they felt a little “pinchy.” Back in the day I would have purchased ALL 4 pair and worn them without flinching. The only thing I did purchase? (It’s horrible!) BLACK YOGA PANTS!!

      I really hope your husband is perking up and things went well yesterday for Bubbs. I’ve been thinking about you all!

  2. Oh how I remember those days! Now all our children are grown and gone. Once more our home is full of nice things. This all changes when our grandchildren visit. Once warned, my wife and I go into battle mode. Everything, and I mean everything that is breakable or anything we care to ever see again goes to a higher ground. Our home becomes child proof.

    • Ha! Thanks for commenting. We visited my Mother this past weekend and I noticed she had strategically relocated a number of her more fragile possessions. I’m glad when someone does that prior to our visits. It makes me so nervous worrying about breaking something!

    • Ha! Thanks for commenting. We visited my Mother this past weekend and I noticed she had strategically relocated a number of her more fragile possessions. I’m glad when someone does that prior to our visits. It makes me so nervous worrying about breaking something!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s