Long time readers of this blog know I have two sisters and two brothers. One sister just had her first baby about 5 weeks ago. The other sister has a son age 12 and a daughter age 6. They are amazing children. Still, she has her hands plenty full.
Friday night about 11:30, I was in the depths of our basement sorting through a bunch of stuff I stashed down there when I was too pregnant to think straight. The time had come for me to get a handle on that situation and get the basement back in good functional order before we decided to go crazy birding during spring migration. (Or have more children. Did I say that out loud? Fudge. I’m not pregnant.)
A good cleaning or organizing always seems more fun with a little cocktail and I figured while I was at it, perhaps the sister with the two children might also be awake enjoying her Friday evening. So I sent her a text mentioning I was losing my mind sorting through the basement.
I hadn’t heard from her in a bit and I was hoping for a phone call. I had to wait until the next morning for the response. . .but it was so, so worth it!
What follows is the hilarious text exchange. . .(My sister is so, so, so funny. She kills me!)
I’m using this material with her permission of course. And because this is nearly the entire text dialogue verbatim, just to be clear, my sister is discussing a doll that eats and poops.
Me (at 11:06PM): You awake? I think I’m losing my mind.
Sister (at 7:31AM – next day): Hey I just got up and saw ur text. I went to bed at 9:30 last night – both kids have colds.
Me: All is well. I was joking about losing my mind. Just hadn’t heard from you lately. Love u. Xo.
Sister: Oh okay. Well u know. . .my life is so interesting. . .I spent hours unclogging a baby doll’s ass that eats and shits. Daughter let the crap dry in her baby’s butt for weeks and I had to use a screwdriver and Q-tips to unclog her bung hole. . .Ugh. It never stops! LOL.”
Sister: Daughter was all like why do u have a screwdriver up my baby’s butt. . .I WAS LIKE, LOOK DO U WANT IT TO POOP OR NOT?
Me: I’m crying, I’m laughing so hard.
Sister: Worst part was she had fed it peas and the Q-tips were coming out of her ass neon green. . .I thought the shit we do as parents. LOL. I honestly felt like I was molesting this poor doll just to get the crystalized peas out of her ass. At one point Husband says to me, why is there a doll face down ass up with a screwdriver in its ass on my workbench in the garage? I looked at him all hot and sweaty from working this doll over and said. . .don’t effing worry about it, go play your video game. . .I have this all under control. Husband said ya, sure looks like it! LOL
Sister: Keep in mind it took me hours to remove the impaction and Daughter played with the doll all of 10 minutes tops after I fixed it. . .Now I swear that creepy-ass baby glares at me every time I walk into Daughter’s room. . .
Me: Oh my gawd! I’m dying! I’ll bet that doll IS giving you creepy looks. Dolls are freaky to begin with. I can’t imagine what happens after u give them a colonoscopy with a screw driver!