Dear Congress, For the Sake of My Marriage, Get Your S%$^&*! Together!

My Husband works for the Government.

I think?  

I’m pretty sure?

Whatever.  He goes somewhere for 9 hours a day and typically comes home every evening too tired to argue with me or paw all over me.


I can’t imagine our marriage could even get any better!

Marriage is very delicate you know.  Once you have a good thing going, you don’t mess with it.

I’ll admit, I don’t pay much attention to the news since Mac was born.  It just seems like a bunch of alarmist garbage that I could do without. . .

So I wasn’t really prepared when Husband came home about a week ago and casually mentioned there was a decent chance he would be furloughed one day a week if the Government couldn’t figure things out.


Sure, some logical or practical folks might panic at this sort of news for financial reasons.

I’m not those folks.

My immediate reaction was:  What?  Wait.  What?  You’re going to be home one extra day EVERY week?!  FOR MONTHS?!



Currently, Husband and I have very neat, tidy, clearly defined roles.  My “workplace” is this house and it’s full of cool secret shit I don’t disclose. . .like where I put a Gallon of milk, my kid’s socks, or Babe The Woodland Squirrel.  His “workplace” is a place I imagine which is also full of cool secret shit he can’t (or won’t) talk about.

I do not enter his workplace.  He only enters my workplace on weekends. . .when ahem presumably we are both taking a break from our “work.”

This arrangement has performed beautifully for us since mid-May of 2011 when I went on maternity leave.

Now it’s in jeopardy!

If Congress can’t get their shit together, I’m errr We’re screwed.

My Husband is kind and funny. . .thoughtful. . .compassionate. . .all that I could want. . .

BUT. . .

He uses at least six drinking glasses per day.

He burns through 3 pair of socks per day minimum.

He passes a LOT of gas.

He gets the Kid worked up into such a lather I can barely deal.

He loads the dishwasher weird.

He talks so EFFING loud and so much in the morning, not even his awesome dippy eggs on wheat toast served to me in bed can make it right. . .

He asks questions that make me feel all stabby. . .Like “Where is the Milk?” when he’s standing in front of the open refrigerator with one hand on the milk.

And worst of all?!  Our toilet paper subscription with is going to need serious adjusting.

Congress, please, please, please get your $%^&R*^$^%$#  together.  Please?

Where Do You Think Mac Learned This Magical Hand in the Pants Move?!

Where Do You Think Mac Learned This Magical Hand in the Pants Move?!


15 thoughts on “Dear Congress, For the Sake of My Marriage, Get Your S%$^&*! Together!

  1. My husband gets all wounded puppy dog offended when I tell him to get the hell out of my house. I am used to running my own business and now that the house and home is my business, get out of my way already!! Men. It’s a love hate thing.

    • If they put a bunch of Mothers in a room, I’ll bet we could reach a compromise. Seriously, they have no idea how bad a bunch of bored miserable men with less spending money will be for this country. Ha!

  2. “You don’t have to tell me which drawer we keep the whisk in, I’ve lived in this apartment as long as you have,” said no husband ever.

    Mine works from home and is home all the time and uses the kitchen every freaking day and somehow I’m always finding kitchen utensils in the wrong locations. I’m developing a suspicion that he’s just trying to secretly rearrange my kitchen and usurp my organizational system for fun.

  3. Precisely the reason we need more women in Congress – they UNDERSTAND we need to get the breadwinners the hell out of the house! My hubs works for a government contractor, so while no furlough is imminent, neither is any sort of job security.

    • I agree completely. Women can be vicious but I’ll bet they’d be able to reach an agreement on this one! Ain’t nobody wants a bored, grumpy husband in their house for too long!

  4. HAHAHAHA! Why is it that reasonably educated men cannot, for the life of them, load a dishwasher properly? My husband’s an architect for Pete’s sake. He can design and organize an entire dwelling, but he can’t figure out how to arrange the bowls in the top rack for maximum space usage. And they can’t find anything in the fridge. My husband works from home and so do I. I pray that Congress gets it together for you!


      My Dad was an engineer and I remember he and my stepmother bickering about whether the leftover pasta would fit in a certain sized container. He insisted. And when it wouldn’t fit, she looked at me and said “And he’s the *&%%@ engineer.”

      Thanks for your comments. Bigger thanks for your prayers! 😉

    • Ha! I’m glad it made you laugh. The man has two major flaws: His tooth and gum care routine takes at least 20 minutes and dirtying socks. He runs and showers – fresh socks. He walks the dog and takes off his shoes – fresh socks. He takes a nap – fresh socks. He makes a phone call – fresh socks. I have no idea. I only wear socks under extreme duress so I clearly also have major flaws and SOCK ISSUES. 🙂

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