The Thorny Devil

Yesterday, I wasn’t feeling great.  In fact, I hadn’t been feeling great since Monday.  I had been managing to plow through, but yesterday, I asked my Husband to get home from work early since I just needed to SLEEP.  A lot.  And sleeping is rather difficult with a toddler.  

My Husband did come home.  He took excellent care of Mac.  He took care of dishes and toys and even went to the grocery.  

But when Moms “take a day off” – even with stellar help – stuff starts piling up.  And pile up it has:  laundry, cleaning, some of the groceries are still all over the kitchen counter. . .

I’m playing catch up this morning, at least.  But I didn’t want to leave you hanging so here’s something that makes me giggle that will hopefully make you smile too:

Mac gets Ranger Rick Jr. magazine.  It’s clearly not marketed to his 22-month old demographic, but my nephew was selling magazines and I felt like I had to purchase something.  So I Ranger Rick Jr. it was.

The magazine is full of vivid photos of interesting animals.  Often the photos include a brief blurb about what makes the animal unique.  Mac really loves looking at this pictures and we work on learning their names.  A few days after the magazine arrives, he’s typically able to accurately identify the animals.

(Which leads me to a suggestion for Ranger Rick:  KNOCK IT OFF WITH THE ZEBRAS ALREADY!  There are zebras in EVERY issue.  We get it, kids must like zebras. . .but I’m way over them.  How ’bout a manatee or a Capybara next month?  Switch it up a little?)

Anyway, this month’s magazine arrived about a week ago and contained a feature on “Weird Skin.”  It’s like the dermatological nightmare of the animal world.  There in graphic glory are caribou shedding disgusting antler “skin,” and magnificent frigatebirds with their lusty red throat pouches all puffed off (although the caption indicates they are just “showing off”).  There’s an admittedly adorable armadillo.  And a couple of freakish frogs. . .

And THIS:

AHHHHHH!!!!!

AHHHHHH!!!!!

This is apparently a THORNY DEVIL.

Except my son doesn’t really have the hang of properly enunciating the “T” sound yet. . .

So thanks to Ranger Rick, he’s running around screaming “HORNY DEVIL.”

I try so hard. . .why do I try so hard?!  

Friday Funny: Sinners, The Pope, And Oh Lawd, Jesus It’s A Fire!

Today’s Friday Funny brought to you by ahem, Religion.

In our area, there is a local weekly newspaper that gets delivered for free on Wednesdays.  I like to page through it quickly because I’m curious like that. . .

And in every edition there’s this ad for a church, which makes me chuckle:

sinners

Other things that cracked me up?  Well, the following ridiculous picture – which was sent to my iPhone.  I have no idea where it came from but if you know, leave a comment and I’ll happily credit the appropriate source.

Cat Pope

And finally, I’m sure you’ve all seen it by now but it was new to me and I CANNOT stop watching it:  THE SWEET BROWN REMIX.

Friday Funny: Look, Do U Want It To Poop Or Not?! The SEQUEL

Ohmahdearlawd!!  My Sister’s Kids are a comedic goldmine!  And she should do stand up comedy.  Here’s my completely unoriginal, kinda’ crass (and graphic), (hopefully) funny for your FRIDAY.  Thank you Sister!:

1.  Here are the deets regarding the title of this post.  Gavmomof2 commented “I have visions of my 70s baby alive doll mixed with the stare of chuckie!  LOL!”

I’ll let you decide if her visual was accurate:

Baby Alive

The text from my sister that accompanied the photo?  “This is that creepy ass baby alive doll. . .that I had to clean out. . .She is even pointing at me like. . .You BITCH!!!!”

A few days later I find this little gem waiting for me with my text messages:  (It’s GRAPHIC).

baby alive 2

“And AGAIN I find her baby doll’s ass not cleaned!!!!!!  She is NOT a good mother to her Baby Alive.  At least I found it before it all dried up in there again!  Hahahaha!”

(Sister should definitely run over this thing with her car.  It’s disgusting.)

And finally, when I asked Sister if I could use this for my blog she said I should check with her daily:

“I always have fresh material.  There is never a dull moment!  My personal favorite was Son not showering for months and me cracking the case wide open with my detective skills!”

Me:  What?  Really?  MONTHS?  How did he not have fungus or yeast or worse growing on him?

Sister:  Oh yeah, he’s foul.  I told him a fungus would consume his one nut and his father and I would ruin the other one if he didn’t effing shower regularly!  Hahahahaha!

Are you speechless at this point too?

All I can get out between the crying-laughing mixed with terror at the prospect of having my Kid get older is:  Hope you have a great weekend! XO

Friday Funny: Holy #$%#%^ What IS THAT?!

The other day, I took Mac to the park and the playground.  It was a nice day and we had a good time.  On the way back, while I was waiting at the cross walk, I looked across the street and noticed something I hadn’t seen previously:

Pagoda Screen

Whoa. . .The most impressive painted window screen I’ve ever seen!  It’s awesome isn’t it?  I couldn’t believe the detail.  I had never seen a screen so impressive.  I snapped a photo, made note of the artist, and then crouched down beside the stroller so I could point out the Pagoda and the dogs to Mac.

And that’s when I peered to the left.

And realized I was eye level with this:

AHHH

I almost died from shock!

What the hell is that?  Why is it in someone’s basement window?!

People just aint’ right.

Enjoy your weekend!

Friday Funny: Thanks, Kid

I’ve mentioned before we try to use our iPhones wisely.  We try not to offer the phone to Mac routinely and most of the kid apps we have loaded on the phones are educational.

Although, we do have a couple apps that are more for fun.  Have you seen the apps from Toca Boca?  I would definitely encourage you to check them out.  They are interactive, imaginative and I love using them with Mac.  (I will warn you Toca Band can really get stuck in your head and gets obnoxious fast!)

Anyway, one of the apps is called Toca Tailor.  And you can “sew” clothing basically for digital paper dolls and play dress up with them with accessories and stuff.  AND you can take photos of your dressed dolls using either a background provided or the background as seen through your own phone’s camera.

Mac can dress up the dolls on his own.  But it wasn’t until I found these photos that I realized he was also able to use the photo option.

toca 2

toca 1

YES!  THE KID TOOK PHOTOS OF A TOCA DOLL WITH MY FLABBY, WHITE, PARTIALLY EXPOSED STOMACH AND THIGH AS BACKGROUND!

Mortifying!

He’s a laugh riot, this kid.

I have got to exercise more and get some damned sunless tanner!  

Meanwhile, I want to share with you a blogger that has been making me laugh out loud this past week with a couple of posts. . .So if you need something to make you smile today, you must check out these posts:

The Wrong Guy Died and Nose to Nose Meeting by Rick over at RichardMax22.  You won’t be disappointed!

Happy Weekend everyone!

Friday Funny: In Which I Mock Something I Don’t Understand (Again) & Encourage You To Use Re-Useable Grocery Bags

So we have this tween (rapidly becoming teen) nephew who likes all kinds of “gaming” stuff.  I know absolutely nothing about this.  In fact, I know even less about D&D, WoW, YMIAT (Yo’ Mamma Is a Troll. . .just joking.  I made that one up.), than I do about effective parenting.

So anytime there’s a holiday or special occasion that requires a gift for this young man, I make my husband do the shopping.

Fortunately for Husband, there’s a shop not too far from our house that sells all sorts of gaming stuff and comics and items of a similar ilk.  Everyone there is very nice and the store is clean and well-organized but I still feel “weird” there.  It’s just not my jam.  I’m a fat middle-aged woman.  I do not play with swords, or small metal figurines, or wear my hair in huge coils on either side of my head. . .Nor would you want me to.  Trust me on this one.

Anyway, the last time the Husband made a trek there to get something for the nephew, the merchandise was bagged up in this little gem:

DSC_0119

In case you can’t make out all the print, under “Claim Your Free Loot!” is the following:

“LIVE AND LET LOOSE WITH YOUR OWN EXOTIC PLEASURE COMPANION, SPECIAL EXPERIENCE RING AND RARE MOUNT LIMITED TIME SPECIAL – ENTER ONLINE. . .”

Wait.  What?

When I hear exotic pleasure, I think pina colada.  Yet, I don’t normally “slay for free” while enjoying a boat drink. . .Nor do I expose half of my buttocks while enjoying such exotic pleasures. . .well, at least not until after the third drink. . .

And I have to confess, I sometimes enjoy drinking alone.  So the idea of an “exotic pleasure companion” seems foreign to me.  Hello?  I’m trying to focus on my frozen boat drink. . .don’t mar the experience with your half-clothed, freaky headband wearing presence!  Your time would be better spent getting a manicure – those nails look wretched!

And what is this talk of a “special experience ring”?  Is it similar to the Orphan Annie secret decoder ring in a Christmas Story.  Is it a sentimental “promise ring” for “exotic pleasure companions”?  Or is it like um you know. . .a sex toy?  WHAT?!

Slurps pina colada and stares at the bag.

So much I don’t understand.

Why is this crazy slaying, weird head band, special experience cock ring wearing, cross-eyed Conan guy stealing part of a Righteous Brothers song?  And how the hell did he get his own game?  

I want to Google “rare mount” but I’m scared I’ll end up on the government no-fly list.

And seriously, why is this shit on a plastic shopping bag?

If Chris had just used one of our re-usable shopping bags, it probably would have saved me at least 2 days worth of angst and confusion. . .

Seriously though, what’s a “rare mount”?!

Is it a stamp collecting term?

It’s horse porn isn’t it?!