So it’s time for another trip to the Pediatrician. Mac’s coming up on his 18-month well baby check.
We have another questionnaire to complete. It arrived in the mail yesterday.
I gave it a once-over this morning. It’s about six pages long and contains a bunch of questions regarding different developmental skills the kid should presumably possess by this point. You’re supposed to make a “game” of this questionnaire, perform the skills and mark whether the kid does the skill consistently YES, inconsistently SOMETIMES, or NOT YET.
The cover letter reminds us to “have fun.”
This questionnaire doesn’t have nearly the space necessary for me to actually have fun. If they really wanted me to have fun with this thing, they would have allowed a LOT more space for commentary. . .
Here are a few examples:
“1. When your child wants something, does she tell you by pointing to it?” As far as I’m concerned, a much more interesting question would be, “Explain what happens when your child wants something, points to it 15 times, and you ignore him because you’re Tweeting about cat vomit?”
“5. Without your showing him, does your child point to the correct picture when you say ‘Show me the kitty’.” Yes. My little genius can accurately identify a cat but only if you refer to it as “that asshole cat.” He can also pick out the liquor store owner from a photo line up.
“6. Does your child say two or three words that represent different ideas together, such as ‘see dog.’?” Um NO! We don’t want him telling the whole world, “Mommy’s drunk again” do we?
There’s a section on motor skills. It’s 12 questions long. Why don’t we cut the crap and leave him unattended in the exam room for 3 minutes? I promise you there were be little question about his motor skills after you witness the carnage.
And look at question 6! “Does your child get a spoon into her mouth right side up so that the food usually doesn’t spill?” I can’t even answer that one. Our kid will ONLY use a fork – a metal, adult sized fork. It’s been this way for months. Note to self: Ask doctor about eye protection.
I was encouraged to learn Mac is an excellent problem solver! “2. After you have shown your child how, does she try to get a small toy that is slightly out of reach by using a spoon, stick, or similar tool?” I’ll be damned, just the other day I caught this kid using a soup ladle to fish pet-hair covered Cheerios and dog kibble out from under the radiator cover! YEEEESSSSSS! Now, does he lose points for subsequently eating that stuff?
I got a little confused at questions 4 and 5 as they dealt with scribbling: “4. Without showing her how, does your child scribble back and forth when you give her a crayon?” Um, I’m a little unclear on this one, should the child start scribbling immediately or is it ok if he eats half the crayon first and then starts scribbling?
There were also 6 questions regarding personal and social development. “1. While looking at herself in the mirror, does your child offer a toy to her own image?” Hmmmm. . .ever since Mac learned how to throw wood blocks (see also Q1 regarding fine motor skills) at that gigantic, floor to ceiling mirror in our living room, we don’t let him anywhere near a fucking mirror. Are you nuts? (Or does the throwing count as “offering a toy to his own image?) So confusing.
“4. Does your child come to you when he needs help, such as winding a toy or unscrewing a lid from a jar?” Why yes, as a matter of fact, yesterday he brought me no fewer than 4 tubes of toothpaste, a bottle of Pepto Bismol, and an unused pregnancy test which he presumably required assistance with.
The final two pages do have “fill in the blank” type questions. Most of them addressing potential problems (i.e., do you think your child hears well? If no, explain). Number 4 “Do you think your child, walks, runs, and climbs like other toddlers her age?” Do all toddlers scale the stove and run as fast as they can towards a busy street?
I was disappointed to see no question regarding smart phones and tablets. I feel like this day and age, the questionnaire should be updated for an app section. In its current state, the questionnaire focuses on blocks and crumbs and empty bottles. Jesus. Get with the times! For example: I heard Mac counting the other day along with a Fisher Price counting app. The kid is learning to count! I sure as shit didn’t teach him that. I mean if I weren’t so damned lazy and used the iPhone as a baby sitter, he’d never have learned how to count. I feel like it should be noted.
And I’ll leave you with good old Questions 8 & 9: “Do you have any concerns about your child’s behavior? Does anything about your child worry you?”
And they only left HALF A PAGE?! I guess I’ll just pencil in the URL of this Blog?